Ngày Valentine sẽ không cứu vãn được mối quan hệ của bạn – nhưng lý thuyết gắn bó có thể giải thích điều đó

As Valentine’s Day approaches, restaurant bookings fill up and couples exchange cards, flowers and carefully chosen gifts. For some, it’s a day of closeness and connection. For others, it can bring anxiety, disappointment or emotional distance.

These different reactions may feel deeply personal. But in terms of psychology, they may reflect something much deeper – how we learned to attach to other people in childhood.

Attachment theory offers a powerful way of understanding why romantic relationships unfold the way they do, and why partners can sometimes feel emotionally mismatched. Developed over decades of research, it suggests that our earliest experiences of care shape how safe, connected or vulnerable we feel in adult love.

Attachment theory was first proposed by the British psychiatrist John Bowlby, who argued that people are biologically wired to form close emotional bonds with their caregivers. These early attachments help infants feel protected and teach them what to expect from relationships.

Later, Canadian developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth expanded this work through studies observing how infants responded to separation and reunion. She found that children develop different attachment patterns depending on how consistently their caregivers meet their emotional needs.

In simple terms, attachment theory suggests that early relationships create internal “templates” for connection. These influence whether we see others as trustworthy, how we cope with emotional stress and how comfortable we feel with closeness. These are patterns that often persist into adulthood.

Types of attachment

There are four attachment styles, which exist on a spectrum rather than as fixed categories.

People with a secure attachment style tend to feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They usually trust their partners, communicate openly and can rely on others without fear of losing themselves.

Those with anxious attachment often crave closeness but worry about abandonment. They may seek reassurance, overthink interactions, or become preoccupied with their partner’s availability.

People with avoidant attachment place a high value on self–reliance and may feel uncomfortable with emotional dependence. They can struggle with intimacy and may withdraw when relationships become intense.

A smaller group show disorganised attachment. This is marked by conflicting desires for closeness and distance, often linked to early experiences of instability.

Most people don’t fit neatly into a single category.

How attachment shows up in adult relationships

Research suggests these attachment styles continue to shape how we relate to romantic partners. Securely attached people are more likely to describe their relationships as trusting, supportive and emotionally satisfying.

By contrast, anxious attachment is associated with fears of rejection and heightened emotional sensitivity, while avoidant attachment is linked to discomfort with closeness and difficulty relying on others. Some people oscillate between these responses, experiencing relationships as both comforting and painful.

These patterns help explain familiar dynamics, such as why one partner wants to resolve conflict immediately while the other needs space, and why some people fall in love quickly while others struggle to commit. Much of this happens unconsciously, driven by expectations formed long before adulthood.

The question of whether or not attachment styles can change over time is a tricky one. They may not be fixed for life. But they may also be determined more by the social trends of the day, rather than genuine changes in attachment.

However, a 2019 study attempted to investigate whether attachment style changes across the lifespan. It found that while attachment style is generally constant, it may also be affected by our relationships and the challenges we face at different stages of our lives.

So, both anxious and avoidant attachment tend to be higher in adolescence and young adulthood, decreasing into middle and old age, at a time when we are more confident perhaps that relationships will sustain. The researchers also found that across the lifespan, being in a close relationship tended to correspond with low scores on avoidant and anxious attachment.

Valentine’s Day is designed to amplify romance. But how much of this is determined by attachment style? One study has shown that those who are less avoidant tend to report higher relationship satisfaction on Valentine’s Day, while feelings of closeness and dependence can strengthen relationships during moments like these.

For people with anxious or avoidant tendencies, however, the day can highlight emotional mismatches. For example, one partner seeks reassurance, while the other feels overwhelmed by expectations.

While attachment anxiety and avoidance are linked to lower relationship satisfaction, they are not life sentences. Attachment styles are learned, which means they can also be reshaped. Understanding attachment helps frame these moments not as personal failings, but as reflections of deeper emotional patterns shaped by upbringing and experience.

This Valentine’s Day, alongside cards and chocolates, there is another gift worth considering – curiosity about how you learned to love. Recognising your own attachment patterns, and those of your partner, can offer compassion, clarity and a pathway towards more secure relationships.

Martin Graff does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.