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How many times a day do we see messages about protecting our peace, setting boundaries and cutting toxic people out of our lives?

These messages are everywhere on social media and have become part of a broader “cut–off culture” that encourages people to walk away from relationships that feel emotionally exhausting or harmful.

Setting boundaries and recognizing unhealthy relationship patterns can be important forms of self–protection. But when applied to friendships, this approach can flatten a complicated relationship to two choices: tolerate the situation or end the friendship.

Before deciding what to do with a “toxic friend,” it is worth asking a more basic question: what is a friendship, and what do we expect from it?

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Why friendship matters

High–quality friendships contribute significantly to our health, happiness and overall well–being.

We learn about ourselves through our relationships with others. Because friendships are chosen, they give us opportunities to seek out people who challenge us, introduce us to new experiences and support us in unfamiliar situations.

This is particularly important at a time when loneliness and social disconnection have become significant public health concerns. Research describes loneliness as a subjective experience that can occur even when we are surrounded by others; both the quantity and quality of relationships matter.

One survey found 21 per cent of adults reported serious feelings of loneliness. Among those experiencing loneliness, 57 per cent said they felt unable to share their true selves with others.

Loneliness is not only an individual issue. There are broader political, social and environmental conditions that can make meaningful connection and belonging more difficult.

Having people around us is not necessarily the same as feeling connected to them. Friendships where we feel known, supported and able to be ourselves are critically important.

The friendship contract

We don’t always agree on what friendship requires. Unlike romantic relationships, friendships have a much more flexible social contract.

Two people can consider themselves close friends while having very different ideas about what that means. How often should we communicate? How quickly should a text be answered? What kind of support should we expect?

The word “friend” describes many different kinds of relationships. Some friends are the people we call during a crisis. Others are connected to work, sports or hobbies. Some we rarely see but are still deeply important, while others who were once central to our lives gradually move into a different role.

Look for patterns, not moments

A difficult situation is not necessarily the same thing as a difficult friend. A toxic friendship is marked by recurring patterns that harm a person’s well–being. Examples can include patterns of manipulation, boundary violations, dismissiveness or guilt–tripping.

It’s important to remember that people are ever–evolving, and that a single circumstance says little about someone’s capacity to change. One of the most important distinctions is between an isolated incident and an ongoing pattern.

A friend cancelling dinner once is different from someone consistently disregarding your time. A friend becoming less available during a demanding period is different from a relationship where support consistently flows in only one direction.

Conflict, disappointment and mismatched expectations are part of relationships. Harm is something different.

The more useful questions are: what is actually happening in this friendship? Is it a one–time conflict or an ongoing pattern? What response from me does that pattern require?

Repair when possible

When a friendship becomes difficult, there are three possibilities to consider: repair, recalibrate or release. In Big Friendship, Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman challenge the idea that meaningful friendships should remain effortless.

Instead, they argue that close friendships require attention and adaptation because people and circumstances change. Perfection and ease are unrealistic goals for friendship; misunderstanding and conflict are inevitable, and finding the capacity to heal is important.

Repair makes sense when something has gone wrong but both people still value the relationship. It doesn’t mean pretending nothing happened. It can involve naming what hurt us, listening to the other person’s perspective, taking responsibility where appropriate and finding a way forward.

It also requires recognizing that discomfort is not always evidence of harm. A friend who offers honest feedback may be showing care rather than criticism.

When friendships need to change

Sometimes a friendship has simply changed. Sociologist William Rawlins describes how friendships can remain active, become dormant or continue to hold meaning even when they are no longer part of our everyday lives.

Friendships can move between these categories as our lives change, requiring us to adjust our expectations. Recalibration means allowing a friendship to take a new form rather than assuming change represents failure.

A close friend might become someone we see occasionally. A workplace friendship might fade after one person changes jobs. A childhood friendship might continue, but with different expectations.

Sometimes the question is not whether someone should remain in our lives, but what place they can realistically occupy. Naming what is changing creates opportunity for both friends to have a say in what the relationship becomes.

When friendships need to end

Taking friendship seriously does not mean preserving every relationship. Persistent harm, repeated boundary violations or an ongoing unwillingness to take responsibility can make repairing a relationship unsafe.

Sometimes release is necessary. The capacity for friendship to stretch and adapt does not mean it should stretch indefinitely.

Release might mean ending a friendship explicitly or creating more distance.

But even when ending a friendship is necessary, the loss can still hurt. Friendships can end actively, such as after conflict, or dissolve more passively as people gradually drift.

Both forms of loss can bring complicated emotions, including feelings of loneliness, sadness, remorse or even relief.

Friendship is worth grieving

When we do have a choice about how a friendship ends, our values can shape what we do next. Where possible, a conversation can give people a sense of closure rather than leaving resentment unspoken: a chance to be heard, acknowledge what the friendship meant and say goodbye.

Of course, mutual closure is not always possible or safe. In those cases, we can still find ways to process with another trusted person or a therapist.

Taking friendship seriously also means taking its loss seriously. We can decide that a friendship can no longer continue and still grieve what it was, what we hoped it might become or the place that person once held in our lives.

We should not shy away from hard and complicated feelings. There is something admirable about loving wholeheartedly despite the possibility of future grief. Friendships are worth loving — sometimes for a moment, sometimes for a lifetime and sometimes somewhere in between.

Gio Dolcecore does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.